ESPN Has Soggy Carpets

The carpets at the ESPN torture center in an undisclosed city are soggy from waterboarding classes. There are several full time employees working industrial vacuums.  It is a halfhearted attempt at sanitation.  Most of the employees run around in hip waders.   Towel snapping is prevalent.  Even the subjects of waterboarding get towel snapped which is not allowed in the Geneva convention.

ESPN Waterboards Bill Simmons

Bill Simmons met with ESPN executives and was waterboarded in one of their "wet rooms."  He left understanding that he would no longer work for ESPN.  He will be reluctant to talk fearing future ESPN black ops at wetter sites in Eastern Europe.