Newt Gringrich Pins His Ears Back

With his ears pinned back, Mr. Gringrich begins thinking thoughts that have not been thought before. He slowly narrows his thinking bandwidth to useful thoughts, media friendly thoughts, thoughts that will save the planet. He thinks of new side deals and his net worth by the end of his second term as president. He watches his bank account grow, shooting upward like a rocket. He will write a monographs on Donald Trump's Billionaire Anxiety and a Green Grand Ole Opry. He hears choirs of angels singing his ideas, celestial bands providing ambient music for his return to earthly consciousness. The steel bands that bind his ears melt. He is done. His handlers towel him off.

Rick Santorum and Head Lice

Rick Santorum claims that the CIA is giving NATO leaders head lice. The CIA, which usually doesn't comment on operations, vehemently denied the head lice allegation.

Kmart Kardashian

Ms. Kmart Kardashian died recently while trying to close a large box. She fell into the box and was unable to get out. Tragically, she tried to eat her way through the box wall, but was unable to do so. Ironically, the box was a shipping container that had been used to import Curry powder from South Asia.

Ms Kardashian left a long note on the inside of the box. The text has not been made public, but is believed to have brought comfort to the family.

The extended Kardashian family has had a very difficult time in recent years. Many family members have died in untimely and unusual ways. This blog hopes that the next year will bring health and safety to the Kardashian family.

Angelina Abdul

This blog has learned that Ms. Angelina Abdul is in the process of adopting several of the Duggar children. The exact number of children -- inventory is in progress -- is not yet known. The terms and any financial arrangements have not been disclosed at this time.

Ms. Abdul and her husband Simon Pitt were seen at a McDonalds outside Tonitown Arkansas. They fled the restaurant when a local TV station arrived with a news crew.

God and Tim Tebow (Aporia in Peoria)

Unfortunately, God is using up -- like a dying star -- all his energy helping Tim Tebow win. The victories are at the expense, mind you, of other Christian athletes who are not as loved as Tebow.

God's hair is falling out, his beard is ashen and dissolving, his skin is shrinking and internal organs are detaching. The God brain is flying off in small particles. All to get Tebow to the playoffs. I'd say Tim Tebow is selfish. The sick and lame could be healed, our army could kill millions of terrorists, but God's last energy is being used to get the Broncos into the playoffs. Is this right?

Iran (Semiotics free)

Iran, Please give us back our hang glider. You don't know how to use it. Pretty please. We'll trade one agent for the glider. We'll trade the Kardashian family for the glider. If you have any decency, please return the glider to the Turkish border, right under the statue of Ataturk. Thanks for your consideration.

(Facsimile of cable intercepted by Wiki leaks.)

Yahoo News Wants to Know

Yahoo News wants to know how unemployment is effecting your family. They want to know because they (geekworld) are overpaid and they have no idea how ordinary people live. I think if they sat down at a table, unplugged everything and brainstormed they could come up with problems families might have if they have no money.

Work at it Yahoo. Remember critical thinking from your elementary school years? OK. If you need to, Yahooup poverty, credit card debt, no medical insurance, etc.
Then go back to the unplugged room and keep brainstorming. Hire models to pose as a despairing family in a shabby kitchen and you've got a publishable piece. Remember, we don't all look like models.

Tebow Kardashian

On Wednesday, Nov 30, Tebow Kardashian fell from scaffolding and was pronounced dead at the scene. Mr. Kardashian had been gold leafing a minaret on a Victorian house in San Francisco's Sunset District.

Mr. Kardashian was called Mr. Sunset because he claimed to have painted more Sunset District Victorians than any house painter in the city's history. Mr. Kardashian was known as an outgoing and generous man. He often held forth from scaffolding engaging the local citizenry with his long and finely crafted stories about statecraft and Free Masons.

Mr. Kardashian was a history buff. He spent his evenings watching history channels and working on his own history of paint stores in San Francisco.

Pepper Spray -- Give it for Christmas (OULIPO)

The use of pepper spray is a step toward a less violent society. Money spent on gun shot wounds and incarceration can be redirected upwards in the form of tax breaks for the rich, which, of course, will solve all problems.

I'm advocating the use of pepper spray as a substitute for gun play -- even rubber bullets. The psychopath can enter a McDonalds with a backpack full of pepper spray canisters and wreak havoc. The NRA will be happy or at least bemused. Their teaching koan of "Guns don't kill people, people do" would be devalued, but they couldn't lobby for more killing and maiming, less crying and gasping.

An entirely organic and biodegradable spray is possible, soon and not in the misty future like alternative energy sources. With a variety of spray strengths there will be a canister for every occasion. Milder sprays can be used in public school, although spanking advocates will claim that spraying is not found in the Bible.

Now that Christmas is upon us, pepper spray should be given as presents to loved ones instead of perfume or after shave. Go ahead, spray your family around the tree.

Tim Tebow Cures Cancer!

While Tim Tebow is the public face for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit's will to win football games, significant research is being done away from the gridiron. This blog has learned that there are at least two programs underway from unlikely institutions. Scientists are using Mr Tebow's DNA -- in the form of sweaty shirts, socks and underwear -- in a variety of experiments.

The military is dropping bomblets on suspected terrorist enclaves. The explosions disperse Tebow DNA -- shredded undergarments -- in an attempt at pacification. There is internal debate about the boundaries of science and religion, but the program UD -- undergarment dispersal -- is underway and part of the exit strategy from the Middle East.

At least one elite university is testing Tebow undergarments for their curative properties. The undergarments have been added to an array of faith objects (saintly bones, religious text fragments, plant life, etc.) that are presented in various ways to a variety of patients.

Mr. Tebow has participated in this program and until the publication the program has remain out of public scrutiny.

Five Comatose Flarf Poets Found at Occupy Wall Street

During the raid on Occupy Wall Street, five Flarf poets were found comatose in a three-man tent. Authorities have refused to comment on the condition or whereabouts of the comatose poets. A woman, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said she believed that the poets had been meditating or reading each others poems aloud. The activity lasted all evening and through the night until the police arrived to end the occupation.

Jerry Sandusky and Kim Kardashian Marry

Thought experiment:

We came to the tortured conclusion yesterday around the paint bucket that Kim Kardashian will marry Jerry Sandusky within the next five years. Mr. Sandusky will be exonerated and Ms. Kardashian's tastes will shift to older men, specifically coaches.

While there is an unlimited pool of older coaches and commentators, Sandusky represents a publicity bonanza and a person in need of healing and a reality show. It is a story of such proportions that the Kardashian Brain Trust, a wing of the American Enterprise Institute, is working on it around the clock.


This is hypothetical and does need designed fortuity, a corollary of intelligent design. Not everyone was in agreement with this.

National Review Online Boners -- Cain

A male columnist is giving Gloria Allred a good going over -- harassment-- and we get to the mid column adds: Prudential Can Help and Koch Associate Program. I know its Coke or coach, but with Jerry Sandusky in the locker room I'm carrying a baseball bat. Prudential? Who exactly should exercise prudence? The women or their male superiors?

Now Cain is running an add saying the left is out to get Cain. First it was the Perry campaign, now the left. What next Joe Stalin?

Arnold Schwarzenegger -- Penn State President

This blog has learned that Arnold Schwarzenegger is being considered for the Penn State Presidency. The trustees believe that Mr. Schwarzenegger's reputation, while somewhat tarnished, has the toughness needed to rout beefy football coach pedophiles out of the locker room. The trustees also believe that Penn State community will be able to transfer its delusional regard for the saintly coach to Mr. Schwarzenegger the super hero and enemy of evil.

Harold Camping Visits Occupy Oakland

Last night Harold Camping made a visit to the site of Occupy Oakland. With the aid of a walker, Mr. Camping moved through the encampments and talked with protesters. Mr. Camping was on a fact finding mission. He admitted freely to having been wrong on Rapture dates.

Several protesters reported that Mr. Camping is a very likable man who had surprising sympathy for their criticism of Wall Street and corporations. Mr. Camping did not make it a secret that he was recalibrating his Rapture dates using the input of those in opposition.

Texas Judge (Occupy the Alamo!)

That's Texas, isn't it? I'd say -- with support from my colleagues -- that we should give the judge some appreciation -- he didn't give his daughter a lethal injection! I got scripture on it!

Harold Camping -- Hedge Fund

Harold Camping is in the exploratory stages of organizing a hedge fund. Mr. Camping will utilize his expertise in future events ranging from the social, political and spiritual. The Camping Group considers this expertise vital for the troubled investor. It brings branding -- the Camping Brand --to the often mysterious and shady world of big money.

Occupy Oakland

Billionaires will march on Washington. They should march on Washington. The government should provide security. Their cause is just. Wave as they walk by. A working list of demands are the following:

1. More tax breaks

2. More deductions for their tax lawyers, sleeping regulators, lapdog congressmen and billionaire wannabees -- multimillionaires.

3. Compensation for using the airports, harbors, interstate transportation systems, railroads and general infrastructure of the country. They could take their business overseas.

4. Compensation for taking their business overseas.

5 Continued military support for foreign investments.

6. Subsidies for Conservative think tanks.

7. Tax breaks for hiring smart young talent to find new ways to skim money from the countries assets.

8. Make it a punishable offense to stare at a billionaire or his children.

9. Deed over major national parks for summer billionaire resorts.

10. Government funded self-esteem programs for billionaires.
11. National Billionaire appreciation day.

This is a partial accounting of a much longer list. The general agreement among those on the Billionaire March committee was to limited the list to ten. The content has been paraphrased and leaked by sources unaffiliated with WikiLeaks.

U.S Dumping Criminals at Border's Books

In a cost cutting measure, the U.S. has begun dumping criminals at Border's Books. The company's bankruptcy has left the stores empty, many with reading material and working toilets. The stores were situated in malls, so feeding the criminals inexpensive and the much appreciated food contributes the to low-cost and friendly warehousing of criminals.

The criminals wear bracelets that work with the stores old security system. So if an escape is attempted, the security panels sound off at the doors. So far mall security has been up to the task of keeping order in the facilities.

Harold Camping

Mr. Camping's walker told him that a pair of Mitt Romney's underwear was once worn by Satan to a Gentleman's club in Dallas. Many football players were hooting it
up. Satan was not able to plan for the Rapture in such a boisterous environment. Satan chose Dallas because the ration of strip clubs to churches was one to one.

Rupture Puppet, Rupert Puppy

Evangelicals Call for Toilets on Mt. Everest

Why do they want toilets on Mt. Everest? Are they going to climb to pass out tracts and witness? This just doesn't make any sense. When have they become stewards of the natural world, especially an Asian -- Buddhist Hindu -- mountain?

Gilad Shalil goes to Disneyland

The exchange of prisoners between the Israelis and Palestinians is a welcome exchange. The disproportionally, though, is wrong. How can 1000 lives be worth the life of one? What does that say about both sides?

Iran Sentences Hank Williams to 90 Lashes

Iran will try and extradite Hank Williams Jr. Legal experts believe they will have great difficulty with the extradition. Iran may offer to end their nuclear program in exchange for the reactionary singer.

Yahoo's Weezer

Yahoo ran two headlines for a story on the death of Mikey Welsh. In the first, Mikey Welsh is the former Weezer bassist. In the second, Mikey Welsh is the ex Weezer bassist. Apparently, the Yahoo editorial staff had an internal debate over the propriety and semantics of using either "former" or "ex". The solution was to publish both headlines. Virtual pages are apparently cheap.

Now we have a very comprehensive understanding that Mr. Welsh is both dead and did at one time play the drums for a band called Weezer. He may or may not have left the band on good terms or left on good terms with some of the band members and on bad terms with others.

Drone Strikes in America!

At lunch we were posing the following questions with appropriate speculative answers -- house painters at their best.

When will the CIA bomb its own citizens on American soil?

When will the NRA claim second amendment rights to own a drone for deer hunting and self defense?

Please send your ideas.

Lynching and Diet in the South

In the photos of Southern lynchings the White Christians look very lean standing and celebrating under the victim. They also look very contented. One has to wonder if a random sampling of contemporary Southern Whites wouldn't find a heavier, less healthy and less contented population.

Just hating ones opponents must not provide the same cathartic release. Executions and paddling squirmy students may reduce some of the bad caloric intake, but hardly enough to ease the burden on our medical resources.

Brad Kardashian

This week Brad Kardashian was found dead in the Sierras a few hours outside Lake Tahoe. Mr. Kardashian had gone to South Lake Tahoe for a vacation. He was both an avid outdoors man and poker player. Foul play is not suspected.

Authorities believe Mr. Kardashian had hiked back into a mountain lake to fish and could not find his way back out. A medical emergency is not rule out. An autopsy will be performed.

Mr. Kardashian was the estimator for the Kardashian family painting company. The company worked for several resorts in the Lake Tahoe area.

Gunther Kardashian

Earlier this week, Gunther Kardashian was killed by a grizzly bear in Montana. Mr. Kardashian was on a working vacation at a hunting lodge where worked for a week, then hunted. Mr. Kardashian was weatherproofing the lodge when a grizzly overturned his ladder and mauled him. Mr. Kardashian was rushed to a hospital, but pronounced dead upon arrival.

Mr. Kardashian was a great hunter and planned on a safari in 2012. The family would like friends and well wishers to make donations the the NRA in lieu of flowers.

Warren Jeffs Sings in Jail

Mr. Jeffs is in a medically induced coma as a result of fasting. He his emulated many of the great moral leaders of our time. Unfortunately, his penis is up and singing loudly. The hospital staff has covered him with pillows to dampen the sound. My sources say that he is singing children's songs.

Handling the Visuddhimagga

On reaching the far shore, should the Vissuddhimagga be left in the sand? Would it careless to drop it in the sand or just leave it on the raft to drift back again into contingency?

It certainly wouldn't be like the book one would take to a deserted island to read, at least not in this conceit.

Texas Student Suspensions

This blog is giving its humanitarian award to the Texas School System for not executing 60% of its students. This compassionate treatment of errant youth is a hopeful note as we move further into the twenty first century and deal with long standing conflicts around the world.

Times of India and a Career in Counter Terrorism

Over video coverage of the latest bomb blasts in Mumbai a translucent band of text offered a counter terrorism course with instructors who were former intelligence professionals from agencies like the FBI. I have to ask, is this not inappropriate advertising while there is still blood on the street and families dealing with the dead and wounded?

Are we to believe that Indians will take this course and walk around Mumbai with fake beards and magnifying glasses looking for clues and Pakistani operatives. At times it appears that terrorism and counter terrorism have offices in the same building. Will there be a time when both sides advertise at the same online sites?

Texas Executes Mexico

Just Breaking:

Texas will begin extending its southern borders by executing Mexicans and driving them deeper into Mexico. Texas has a master plan of seceding from the union and declaring independence. New territory will be needed to build vast stadia for football, evangelism and strip clubs.

More after secret documents have been edited.

Your Tax Dollars at Work on Cognitive Dissonance

The following only makes sense in Marin County, an affluent county north of San Francisco.

A red hot rod is parked in the parking lot of an upscale shopping center. Youths are sitting in the car leering at women. It is really not a hot rod, it is a red Mazerati sedan. They are not really youths, they are rich kids. They leer at women with uncertain smiles. Certainly they know that their days of parking lot leering are numbered. They'll have to take it somewhere else. This may be their first significant decision.

Bed Bugs are Mean and Evil

For a period of time -- bed bug eradication time -- a station wagon stopped in front of a house on our street. There is a sign on the door of the wagon -- Bed Bug Specialist. A lawyer lives in the infested house. This is not lawyer neighborhood, but he would build a ten story house to house his extended family.

The bug specialist, a woman, goes into the house with the presence of someone giving counseling. She either found the bugs by divination or was called. I suspect the bugs spontaneously birthed in the white polo shirt that has been hanging in and against the upstairs window for many years.

Discretion is in question. I would not want it known that I was writhing in bed at night under the assault of bed bugs. Should the specialist not have such a declasse sign on her station wagon? It is not as unflatterling ironic as the coarse poc marked man sitting in the mini van bearing a sign for revolutionary dermatological treatments.

One can buy almost anything out of a SUV or mini van in our town.

Would you hire an attorney who was sleep deprived and welt ridden? Would you make public your hygienic liabilities?

Jenifer Aniston's Hair and the Rapture

This blog has learned that Reverend Camping, a begrudging Jenifer Aniston fan, believes that Ms. Aniston's recent hair color change altered the course of the Rapture. The Reverend is too embarrassed to admit his obsession with her hair or the fact that most of the Rapture-ready Christians are very conversant in pop culture, in other words, too much of this world.

It is to Reverend Camping's enduring horror that the Rapture has been delayed a thousand years or cancelled entirely.

Rapture "Personal Stories"

We are going to begin a series of personal Rapture accounts in this blog. We are giving a call for stories. We especially want to hear from India, East Africa and South American countries who harbored Nazis.

It just so happens that I have been in a number of Raptures. I don't feel like I should take up this valuable space with my stories though. I will say that a Rapture is more challenging than one might imagine. Obviously, there was a return ticket.

Among the challenges is sun burn, chaffing from velocity, disorientation, white noise sickness and fighting off frost bite on the sunless orbits. I started off with hopes of another life and ended with the relief that I still had the one I started with.

End of the World Potties --- Rapture Scat

A line of disposable potties for Rapture participants has been cancelled due to production problems in the factories in Bangladesh. The potty design allowed the Rapture participant to sit on the potty while awaiting the Rapture. It is believed that the participants will void their bowels at the moment of takeoff.

Adult diapers are considered a suitable replacement. Several teams of scientists are ready to examine Rapture scat.

Doomsday May 21, 2011 "Be There Now"

Those of us who will boycott the Rapture on principle or out of ignorance will be left behind -- we'll be here on the 22nd looting the businesses and homes of the departed. No, actually, we will truly wonder with horror and dread what has happened and what that means for us.

If, however, there is no Rapture and on the 22nd Wal-Mart is full of Christians buying groceries, it is ethically incumbent on these Christians to renounce their faith and longing for an end to it all in the strongest possible terms. Anything less would be an unfortunate mix of cowardice and mental illness!

End of the World, May 21, 2011 "It's a stone cold lock!"

May 21st is International Paint Roller Cover Day. The roller cover featured will be the wool cover -- Mohair. This blog recommends painting the shabbiest room in your house. Wool roller covers are easier to clean than conventional roller covers.

Then go out and buy a house painter a drink. They are easy to find. Try a bar.

If the world should end while you are painting your rumpus room, don't worry about it. quickly put the roller in a garbage bag with some water in it and bon voyage!

Osama bin Laden Home Videos

When the videos are released There will be a video that will show that Bin Laden has adopted an endangered penguin. This video is extremely dangerous. It was planted to initiate a terrorist action.

The CIA is a friend of this blog so hopefully they will not release the video.

Geronimo EKIA "the truth"

They were going to call it Get the M.....f...... N..... After some consideration, focus group responses and a phone call to Dr. Skip Gates, they decided against using it. Next, they worked with Geronimo IKEA, but realized that Osama Bin Laden might not have IKEA interiors. So in a hurry they settled on the now historic name for the mission.

Next time use something like, Get the Bad Guy. It's easy to understand.

T.S Eliot "Professional Golfer"

By mid century Mr. Eliot will be remembered as a 1950's golf pro. He will be remembered for having a good short game and excellent putting. He will be forgotten as a poet. All record of his poetry and criticism will have disappeared.

Peckerwood Conference 2012: "Rapture Security"

The Peckerwood Conference 2012 is in the planning stages. Our sources say that Alaska (epicenter of the Rapture!) is the first choice of the Grand Peckerwood council. One of the main topics is providing security for the Saints during the Rapture. The master plan is for teams of Security Ops to remove sinners, sleepers, liberals and moles from piggy backing or bare backing onto saints "for the ascent."

At the conference the Grand Imperial Wizard Peckerwood will demonstrate his legendary prowess, despite his advanced age, by penetrating 3/4 inch AC plywood with his imperial beak. Joining the Imperial Peckerwood (PW) will be the Grand Duke PW who will give a PowerPoint presentation on Rapture hot spots around the world. PW agents are now taking residence in Rapture-Centric countries where they are setting up PW training camps.

Lord Duke and Grand Earl PW will lead a panel on counter insurgency below five thousand feet. It is believed that the first ascending mile will be at a pace that allows for the conversion from an earthly body to a heavenly body -- a time of great vulnerabliity for the saint. It is during this ascent that PW ops are needed to provide security.

Computer models of velocity and saint range (per square mile) are in the developmental stages.

National Review Beheads Trappist Monks

We just learn that terrorists have captured Trappist Monks and after a short time the monks are beheaded. Then the commentary stops and it is time to read from the sponsor in what would traditionally be a new paragraph. Instead, there is block of print in a different font. The title is, The Death of Wal-Mart

Surely someone at National Review values Christianity more than the Free Market. Certainly, no one at NR shops at Wal-Mart.

Newt Gringrich Damned to Eternal Hell!

Not so fast. Newt will cut a deal with the Satan. In secret negotiations Newt will (for both an unnamed asset and future considerations) work as a consultant for Satan when he returns to Earth in 2014 to announce his Candidacy for President.

What the public will not know is that Newt will acquire considerable debt to a "foreign power." By doing so, Newt will compromise his integrity and his allegiance to our country. What will be the agenda of his debt-based foreign policy?

Finally and most painfully and as any cynic would have already guessed, Newt will have several affairs in hell, one leading to marriage. Will he bring that wife back to earth? Children may be involved, but as on earth, children in hell do not really matter.

Scarcity--Lethal Injection Drug

The scarcity of lethal injection drugs are responsible for the increased production costs of microwave popcorn. The prisoners are not able to die nor are they able to have a bag of microwave popcorn for their final snack. This seems to me to be cruel and unusual punishment.

There is a long pop corn tradition on death row. Before microwave popcorn, kindly guards would make pop corn on a hot plate and slide it on paper plates into the cells. At times all that could be heard from death row was the sound of chewed popcorn. With the availability of microwave popcorn, the guards could make and deliver popcorn with greater efficiency.

Now guards have gone back to pans and hot plates to keep the popcorn tradition alive.

Moammar Kardashian

Maommar Kardashian was found dead Monday morning March 21. Mr. Kardashian was found bundled in a pile of Butyl backed paint tarps. Police said that Mr. Kardashian struggled in the tarps, but asphyxiated before he could free himself. Foul play has not been ruled out. Alcohol was found at the job site.

The investigation is ongoing.

Moammar Kadhafi's Tailor

The CIA must immediately render Moammar Kadhafi's tailor to a safe country and then to the United States. It may be that the tailor works with a fashion designer. Let's just say that the fashion team must be brought to the United states to refashion the Supreme Court. Then they can move on to the Congress and the Titans of the Fortune Five Hundred.

We will then be able to live under a highly costumed ruling class.

Capitalism Will Fail

(Site Under Construction by Students of the Academy of Art)

Capitalism will fail from its internal comatose flarf poets, contravestites, crematoriums, consulates, corn nut hedging coupons, coagulates, covered wagons leaving Manhattan, corn dog derivatives, combustion engine (weed whacker!), bare cupboard (See Mother Hubbard), Chinese earth-devouring factories, irreversible commercial cretinization and subcretinization, creative writing programs, children provided for by adults, cutting Bernie Madoff's expense account, caterwauling spiral, Crucifixions outsourced...

Love in a Big Box

Unfortunately, I had to spend more time than anyone would want to in Home Depot restroom. I stayed longer because of a beautiful heartfelt voice, a woman's voice, singing to me. I thought she was in the next stall -- as improbable as that might sound. Then I thought she had taken over the public address system and was going to meet me at check out in a gown, backless and sheer.

There was no such singer at Home Depot, she'd moved on to Lowes. She lured me on through Garden, lumber, hardware, etc. She all but followed me home and sang again on call waiting as I was trying to order something from Office Depot. I gave her my phone number and told her to call me. We agreed to meet at the local 24 Hour Fitness, actually twelve hours.

She was singing there too. She was singing to a row of old fat guys in work clothes on Exercycles. We -- to the man -- looked moon struck and delusional.

Nuclear Power Executives

Yes, they do feel sorry for the people of Japan. But they feel sorrier for themselves and their net worth. By now they've talked to their Public Relations people about how to resell radiation. How can it be made warm and fuzzy? How can the reactor down the street look like Disneyland? What blowhards can be bought off to endorse radiation.

If only Charlton Heston were alive. He could wander through the woods firing hand guns blathering on about the second amendment and the right to leak radiation into a crowded theatre.

Glenn Beckerwood

Mr. Beckerwood is one of the most underrated bass fisherman in Continental United States. Few people know about him, but I do. I can say this with complete authority -- Woody, as his friends call him, can talk to fish. Woody has very full lips -- rubbery -- that make it hard to see his David Niven gap teeth. Woody purses his lips as best he can and makes an unnerving "cooing" sound and by golly the bass, if not the other fishermen, come right up to his boat and almost commit suicide.

Mr. Beckerwood is developing a line of bass lures. The lure is at the patent pending stage. Watch for the lures in your local bait shop and Woody on a lake near you.

Victoria Beckham Recovers the Wheelbarrow

The van swerved to a stop in front of Curveballs's compound. His security people were waiting at the concrete wall with guns ready. Victoria stepped forward and pointed to the top of the palm tree. Security began shouting. Victoria's assistants hit the ground.

"It's a bloody cat," she screamed. "In the tree...a cat." She made the meow sound.

Slowly Curveball's security looked up at the tree. Soon Curveball himself joined the standoff. He was wearing a bathrobe with Kevlar vest hastily tied in place.

"You came here for an ally cat?" he asked.

"It's scared," said Victoria. "I can get it. I can climb trees."

"It's a ploy," said Curveball.

"Just me," said Victoria.

Security opened the gate. Victoria quickly shimmied the tree. She made soothing cat sounds until the cat slowly scampered down the palm trunk and bounded around the compound until it was out of sight.

"I'd like the wheelbarrow," said Victoria.

"I'm not going in it again," said Curveball.

"No.

Curveball gestured for his people to bring the wheelbarrow. Victoria rolled the wheelbarrow to the van. Soon they were gone.

Glenn Beck Impersonator

I was a Glenn Beck impersonator and made good money insulting people. Of course, I quickly followed by a sincere apology. Then I got jowlyl from bad banquet good. My nose became thick and pendulous. My ears cauliflowered. Yes, I had to look for other kinds of work. I got a job at McDonald's in Provo. I'm assistant manager and hope to see you there soon. No apology necessary.

Glenn Beck Apologizes Again

Mr. Beck apologized for noting that Rush Limbaugh had stretch marks on his abdomen.

Victoria Beckham in a Safe House

Victoria does not understand how the safe house is safe. She was blindfolded until they arrived inside the compound. Everyone else was blindfolded including the drivers. But they were all inside and she could finally take a shower. The men played pin the tail on the donkey while they waited for their next assignment.

In the safe house Victoria had an allowance for Haute Couture, but she'd become fond of her baggy trousers and tshirts. She called for an assistant to monitor Curveball's compound on a small screen. Intelligence was that Curveball had a bunker under the house with means of escape.

Victoria stood up and asked, "What are we waiting for?"

"We need the go-ahead," said the thick agent. He was wearing a track suit and undershirt.

Victoria studied the screen at close range.

"There's a bloody cat in the tree" she said with more than a little emotion.

"Can't be," said the agent. He got a little too close the Victoria. "Must be some kind of local rodent. Wouldn't want to touch it."

A large explosion -- not that far away -- shook the house. Victoria waved away the dust and walked to the area of the compound where the vehicles were parked. The agents were still playing pin the tail on the donkey.

"We're going to Curveballs," said Victoria, "and I'm going to get a cat out of a tree."

Several of the agents got into a vehicle. The driver pulled his blindfold above his eyes. Victoria got into the vehicle and allowed herself to be blindfolded.

Victoria Beckham "Get Curveball and the Wheelbarrow"

Victoria looks out the window at the river. The airconditioning is loud, but it is working. She has just been told to get Curveball and the wheelbarrow. She makes a pouty face.

The two men, her captors and assistants, are talking on their cellphones. Victoria calls home to talk to her children. She says she's staying at a spa. She'll be home soon. But she knows that finding Curveball may take weeks.

A man enters the room with a replacement wheelbarrow full of bricks. He is sweating. He has an envelope with photos and a map to Curveball's house in the suburbs. Security is prominent in the photo -- guys with weapons. The house is set back from the street behind concrete barriers.

The thick assistant tells Victoria that it's time to go. She wants to take a shower. Later, he says, as he ties a scarf around her head. She looks like she has a toothache.

Victoria pushes the wheelbarrow along the river. She wants to go for a swim but the lean assistant tells her they have to get to the safe house before curfew. She pushes on toward the bridge.

The traffic on the bridge is stalled. The assistants look worried. The thick assistant makes a call on his cellphone as they stop to hydrate. When they finally cross the bridge they turn on a side street. A van is waiting for them. Agents from the van quickly load the wheelbarrow, Victoria and her assistants. They speed off into the neighborhood.

Victoria Beckham pushes a Wheelbarrow

Victoria Beckham pushes a wheelbarrow across a bridge. She is taking Curveball somewhere. They are not going to a formal event. Victoria is wearing baggy work clothes. She is sweating. Curveball is curled in the barrow under a canvas tarp. He is worried that someone from an intelligence service will do him in on a bridge that spans two lawless cities.

Victoria's cellphone rings. She is told to turn right when they cross the bridge and walk along the river and wait for two men in dark suits. They will arrive later in the day by canoe and take Curveball downriver.

It is the hottest hour of the day. Victoria labors with the wheelbarrow. Curveball wants to use her cellphone, but he is unable to make his case. Victoria thinks of what she could have done with the money that funded the war. In the distance she sees the canoe. She waves to the men in dark suits.

When the men finally arrive, they take Victoria against her will. They tape her arms and mouth and lay her in the bottom of the canoe. They used the tarp to cover her. Without saying anything to Curveball, the start down the river.

Bristol Kardashian

Bristol Kardashian died this week. Cause of death is pending an autopsy. Ms. Kardashian was a dancer performing in a number of experimental dance companies. Her most ambitious piece was "Dance Across Texas." The dance was recorded. In the video teams of dancers danced across Texas on an east west course. One dancer replaces dancer in a relay. The video will be released soon for festival showings.

When Ms. Kardashian was not dancing, she worked for the Kardashian paint company when faux applications were called for. She was also an excellent colorist.

Sarah Palin Media Boycott

An idea whose time has come. Unfortunately, I have a long piece, almost an expose on Mrs. Palin. After in depth interviews with both Bullwinkle and Rocky, I have an entirely new and alarming view of Mrs. Palin's political orientation and intention. But I will save it until March.

What I will say is that Bullwinkle is living in the wild in British Columbia. He spends part of his time in the field and the rest in a cabin working with the Palin team on foreign policy -- countries her administration would invade if elected.

Rocky on the other hand, is still living in Russia in the Frozen East. His drinking is under control which enables him to work for a rather secretive cosmetic surgery facility that has an international client list with some American Conservative politicos among the clientele. He does some meet and greet, has dinner with the clientele like the captain on a ship, but his primary work is as a free lance adviser in political matters that have wandered around the political spectrum.

This much I can put in print.

Sarah Palin Defends Blood Libel

She meant to say blood pudding.

Three Hundred and Forty Pound Bible

A three hundred and forty pound Bible was found in Wisconsin. It was made out of cheese. Miraculously, the bible had not been nibbled on by rodents. The bible was covered with a dense layer of mold. The local farmers believe the bible to be a miracle.

(Guest blogger: Big Foot)

I should note that Big foot is interviewing for a teaching position at Oral Roberts in Forest Management. Let's keep our fingers crossed -- he's not a good interview.

Rush Mt. Moore

Rush Mt Moore died this week after a long battle with an illness not disclosed by the family. He was 68 years old at time of death.

Mr. Mt. Moore pioneered the soft porn industry as an actor then producer. He often made the boast the he'd never been unfaithful to any of his many wives, among them the late Mindy Kardashian.

Physical fitness was a passion of Mr. Mt. Moore. He practiced and promoted (in a video) an organic brand of fitness -- push ups, sit ups, pull ups and so on. He led exercise groups in his community until the time of his illness.

Late in life Mr. Mt. Moore became religious and bought out the rights to all the films in which he'd acted.

Blood Libel -- Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin has advisers and one of them is Bullwinkle. I have known and kept in contact with Bullwindle during his drinking years and now that he is sober. I also know that Bullwinkle was vehemently against using "blood libel" in any way. He is fully aware of it historical significance. Moreover, he is seriously considering resigning from Palin's advisory group. He has stayed the course so far in hopes of being a moderating influence on her politics, to keep it from slipping into an irredeemably crackpot vigilantism.

Chip Kardashian

We're sad to report a second Kardashian death this week. Chip Kardashian fell off a roof and was pronounced dead on the driveway at the site. He worked for Kardashian Roofing, a family business.

Chip was a body builder. When he was not on a roof in shorts, he was in the gym preparing for competitions. He had a full and balanced development of all muscle groups, except for his calves. As hard as he tried, he could not get them in full proportion to his other muscle groups.

Chip is survived by his Partner, Paris Kawalski.

The family requests that instead of flowers, donations be made to the Kardashian Body Building Fund, which, when fully established, will provide scholarships for working men and women to participate in competitions.

Ward Kardashian

This week another member of the Kardashian family died. Ward Kardashian was killed when his vehicle was hit by a truck, which had run a red light.

Ward Kardashian was one of the few Kardashians who did not work in a job related to the Trades. Ward worked as manager for Safeway. He rose up through the ranks until he became a manager. He was instrumental in a pilot program (now retail wide) of greeting the customer (guest) and tending to their shopping needs.

The irony the must be mentioned in Ward's passing is that Ward Kardashian was killed by a collision with a paint delivery truck.

Ward Kardashian was a bachelor and great baseball fan. He also collected and used abdominal machines. He had over thirty machines. he was proud of his "six pack" and would lift his shirt for anyone who showed any interest.