"Unifying yet Viscious"

 Crawling on the floor with a full diaper, biting ankles.

Trump to Bomb Reflecting Pool

 The pool is rigged.

Soldiers Die in Endless Wars

 Please tell that to Trump.  It's not golf.

Hegseth to Measure Soldier's for Penis Size

 They have to be bigger than the President.  Can't go to war with a small penis!

New AI Jobs!

 Spraying tear gas on the rioting unemployed.

Natile Harp Changes Trump's Diapers Late at Night

 He loses it while posting.  It's a sweet scene.

Reflecting Pond is Septic Tank for White House

 It's not that bad and no one is complaining about the smell.