Hegseth can count pushups

 But not missiles.  It happens to everyone.  Hegseth ruined the reflecting pond.

"Unifying yet Viscious"

 Crawling on the floor with a full diaper, biting ankles.

Trump to Bomb Reflecting Pool

 The pool is rigged.

Soldiers Die in Endless Wars

 Please tell that to Trump.  It's not golf.

Hegseth to Measure Soldier's for Penis Size

 They have to be bigger than the President.  Can't go to war with a small penis!

New AI Jobs!

 Spraying tear gas on the rioting unemployed.

Natile Harp Changes Trump's Diapers Late at Night

 He loses it while posting.  It's a sweet scene.