Mr. Beckerwood is one of the most underrated bass fisherman in Continental United States. Few people know about him, but I do. I can say this with complete authority -- Woody, as his friends call him, can talk to fish. Woody has very full lips -- rubbery -- that make it hard to see his David Niven gap teeth. Woody purses his lips as best he can and makes an unnerving "cooing" sound and by golly the bass, if not the other fishermen, come right up to his boat and almost commit suicide.
Mr. Beckerwood is developing a line of bass lures. The lure is at the patent pending stage. Watch for the lures in your local bait shop and Woody on a lake near you.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Victoria Beckham Recovers the Wheelbarrow
The van swerved to a stop in front of Curveballs's compound. His security people were waiting at the concrete wall with guns ready. Victoria stepped forward and pointed to the top of the palm tree. Security began shouting. Victoria's assistants hit the ground.
"It's a bloody cat," she screamed. "In the tree...a cat." She made the meow sound.
Slowly Curveball's security looked up at the tree. Soon Curveball himself joined the standoff. He was wearing a bathrobe with Kevlar vest hastily tied in place.
"You came here for an ally cat?" he asked.
"It's scared," said Victoria. "I can get it. I can climb trees."
"It's a ploy," said Curveball.
"Just me," said Victoria.
Security opened the gate. Victoria quickly shimmied the tree. She made soothing cat sounds until the cat slowly scampered down the palm trunk and bounded around the compound until it was out of sight.
"I'd like the wheelbarrow," said Victoria.
"I'm not going in it again," said Curveball.
"No.
Curveball gestured for his people to bring the wheelbarrow. Victoria rolled the wheelbarrow to the van. Soon they were gone.
"It's a bloody cat," she screamed. "In the tree...a cat." She made the meow sound.
Slowly Curveball's security looked up at the tree. Soon Curveball himself joined the standoff. He was wearing a bathrobe with Kevlar vest hastily tied in place.
"You came here for an ally cat?" he asked.
"It's scared," said Victoria. "I can get it. I can climb trees."
"It's a ploy," said Curveball.
"Just me," said Victoria.
Security opened the gate. Victoria quickly shimmied the tree. She made soothing cat sounds until the cat slowly scampered down the palm trunk and bounded around the compound until it was out of sight.
"I'd like the wheelbarrow," said Victoria.
"I'm not going in it again," said Curveball.
"No.
Curveball gestured for his people to bring the wheelbarrow. Victoria rolled the wheelbarrow to the van. Soon they were gone.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Glenn Beck Impersonator
I was a Glenn Beck impersonator and made good money insulting people. Of course, I quickly followed by a sincere apology. Then I got jowlyl from bad banquet good. My nose became thick and pendulous. My ears cauliflowered. Yes, I had to look for other kinds of work. I got a job at McDonald's in Provo. I'm assistant manager and hope to see you there soon. No apology necessary.
Glenn Beck Apologizes Again
Mr. Beck apologized for noting that Rush Limbaugh had stretch marks on his abdomen.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Victoria Beckham in a Safe House
Victoria does not understand how the safe house is safe. She was blindfolded until they arrived inside the compound. Everyone else was blindfolded including the drivers. But they were all inside and she could finally take a shower. The men played pin the tail on the donkey while they waited for their next assignment.
In the safe house Victoria had an allowance for Haute Couture, but she'd become fond of her baggy trousers and tshirts. She called for an assistant to monitor Curveball's compound on a small screen. Intelligence was that Curveball had a bunker under the house with means of escape.
Victoria stood up and asked, "What are we waiting for?"
"We need the go-ahead," said the thick agent. He was wearing a track suit and undershirt.
Victoria studied the screen at close range.
"There's a bloody cat in the tree" she said with more than a little emotion.
"Can't be," said the agent. He got a little too close the Victoria. "Must be some kind of local rodent. Wouldn't want to touch it."
A large explosion -- not that far away -- shook the house. Victoria waved away the dust and walked to the area of the compound where the vehicles were parked. The agents were still playing pin the tail on the donkey.
"We're going to Curveballs," said Victoria, "and I'm going to get a cat out of a tree."
Several of the agents got into a vehicle. The driver pulled his blindfold above his eyes. Victoria got into the vehicle and allowed herself to be blindfolded.
In the safe house Victoria had an allowance for Haute Couture, but she'd become fond of her baggy trousers and tshirts. She called for an assistant to monitor Curveball's compound on a small screen. Intelligence was that Curveball had a bunker under the house with means of escape.
Victoria stood up and asked, "What are we waiting for?"
"We need the go-ahead," said the thick agent. He was wearing a track suit and undershirt.
Victoria studied the screen at close range.
"There's a bloody cat in the tree" she said with more than a little emotion.
"Can't be," said the agent. He got a little too close the Victoria. "Must be some kind of local rodent. Wouldn't want to touch it."
A large explosion -- not that far away -- shook the house. Victoria waved away the dust and walked to the area of the compound where the vehicles were parked. The agents were still playing pin the tail on the donkey.
"We're going to Curveballs," said Victoria, "and I'm going to get a cat out of a tree."
Several of the agents got into a vehicle. The driver pulled his blindfold above his eyes. Victoria got into the vehicle and allowed herself to be blindfolded.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Victoria Beckham "Get Curveball and the Wheelbarrow"
Victoria looks out the window at the river. The airconditioning is loud, but it is working. She has just been told to get Curveball and the wheelbarrow. She makes a pouty face.
The two men, her captors and assistants, are talking on their cellphones. Victoria calls home to talk to her children. She says she's staying at a spa. She'll be home soon. But she knows that finding Curveball may take weeks.
A man enters the room with a replacement wheelbarrow full of bricks. He is sweating. He has an envelope with photos and a map to Curveball's house in the suburbs. Security is prominent in the photo -- guys with weapons. The house is set back from the street behind concrete barriers.
The thick assistant tells Victoria that it's time to go. She wants to take a shower. Later, he says, as he ties a scarf around her head. She looks like she has a toothache.
Victoria pushes the wheelbarrow along the river. She wants to go for a swim but the lean assistant tells her they have to get to the safe house before curfew. She pushes on toward the bridge.
The traffic on the bridge is stalled. The assistants look worried. The thick assistant makes a call on his cellphone as they stop to hydrate. When they finally cross the bridge they turn on a side street. A van is waiting for them. Agents from the van quickly load the wheelbarrow, Victoria and her assistants. They speed off into the neighborhood.
The two men, her captors and assistants, are talking on their cellphones. Victoria calls home to talk to her children. She says she's staying at a spa. She'll be home soon. But she knows that finding Curveball may take weeks.
A man enters the room with a replacement wheelbarrow full of bricks. He is sweating. He has an envelope with photos and a map to Curveball's house in the suburbs. Security is prominent in the photo -- guys with weapons. The house is set back from the street behind concrete barriers.
The thick assistant tells Victoria that it's time to go. She wants to take a shower. Later, he says, as he ties a scarf around her head. She looks like she has a toothache.
Victoria pushes the wheelbarrow along the river. She wants to go for a swim but the lean assistant tells her they have to get to the safe house before curfew. She pushes on toward the bridge.
The traffic on the bridge is stalled. The assistants look worried. The thick assistant makes a call on his cellphone as they stop to hydrate. When they finally cross the bridge they turn on a side street. A van is waiting for them. Agents from the van quickly load the wheelbarrow, Victoria and her assistants. They speed off into the neighborhood.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Victoria Beckham pushes a Wheelbarrow
Victoria Beckham pushes a wheelbarrow across a bridge. She is taking Curveball somewhere. They are not going to a formal event. Victoria is wearing baggy work clothes. She is sweating. Curveball is curled in the barrow under a canvas tarp. He is worried that someone from an intelligence service will do him in on a bridge that spans two lawless cities.
Victoria's cellphone rings. She is told to turn right when they cross the bridge and walk along the river and wait for two men in dark suits. They will arrive later in the day by canoe and take Curveball downriver.
It is the hottest hour of the day. Victoria labors with the wheelbarrow. Curveball wants to use her cellphone, but he is unable to make his case. Victoria thinks of what she could have done with the money that funded the war. In the distance she sees the canoe. She waves to the men in dark suits.
When the men finally arrive, they take Victoria against her will. They tape her arms and mouth and lay her in the bottom of the canoe. They used the tarp to cover her. Without saying anything to Curveball, the start down the river.
Victoria's cellphone rings. She is told to turn right when they cross the bridge and walk along the river and wait for two men in dark suits. They will arrive later in the day by canoe and take Curveball downriver.
It is the hottest hour of the day. Victoria labors with the wheelbarrow. Curveball wants to use her cellphone, but he is unable to make his case. Victoria thinks of what she could have done with the money that funded the war. In the distance she sees the canoe. She waves to the men in dark suits.
When the men finally arrive, they take Victoria against her will. They tape her arms and mouth and lay her in the bottom of the canoe. They used the tarp to cover her. Without saying anything to Curveball, the start down the river.
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