Supreme Court to Reinstate Slavery

 I don't think that's right.

Trump Throws Feces in White House Bathroom

 Did it stick to the wall?

Agnostic Football Coach not Praying

 God is not involved in sports. God is not involved. Christians would beat the hell out of an agnostic coach.  He would have to go into a witness protection program or flee to a coastal city.  Praise the Lord.  Oil your assault rifles.

Kyle Rittenhouse to attend Harvard

 He will study vigilante justice.  

Trump spent the weekend with Satan

 They played golf and laughed at gullible Evangelicals.  Isn't that duplicitous?   Even Satan is bored with Evangelicals.  They are such easy marks.

Liberty University to offer a QAnon Studies Major

 The department will work to reconcile the rapture with the signs emerging out of QAnon. Any day now pool boys will look to the heavens for a bright light.