Trump Weeping Over Lost Presidency

 He wipes his eyes and other parts of his body with classified documents.  Please send him all of your money.

Giuliani vomits in tunnels, doorways, bathrooms, stairwells

kitchens, ditches, bunkers, sand traps, Trump's shoes, on Trump's prostitutes, putting greens, Trump's golf bag and so on.  Send him money so he can go into rehab (or pay for lawyers)

Trump Scouring Florida strip malls for attornerys

 Some of the finest legal minds can be found in Florida strip malls with their small practices waiting to be nominated to the supreme court.

300 Classified Docs at Mar a Lago

 Trump must have been using them as toilet paper or he was selling them to pay for his legal defense for stealing classified documents.

Trump Writing a Memoir

 is like a pig playing Chopin, the latter more likely.

Trump to seek sanctuary in Russia

 Sanctuary is compensation for giving Russia secret documents.  Poor Giuliani will have to stand before the firing squad.  His hair dye will be dripping.  Very Sad.

14 thousand FBI whistle blowers have landed

 Their fleet of ufos have landed on a Trump Golf course and are prepared to go on Fox and take the Fifth!!!

Trump used crayons on the Secret Documents

 He likes to color because he can't read.

Trump Selling Nuclear Documents to Russia

 He needs money for lawyers.  And there will be money left over!!!

Guiliani Can't Fly

 He's home drinking wine.

Alex Jones has Buddha Nature

 That's hard to believe.  He made millions from ruining people's minds.  He deserves a place in Buddhist hell.

Alex Jones -- 300 pounds of American Poison

 Unless he was pumped full of poison by the Russians to undermine the country.  He could have drunk Trump's piss, which is on sale.  It is believed to be better than the Lourdes water.  Evangelicals drink it by the gallon.