Epstein and Trump Drank Sprite Together

 They burped with the teenagers.

Trump Golfs While Elite Dick's Squirm

 They do so much for society; they deserve underage girls on an island.  Forget your morals.  Embrace your hallucinations about the ethics of those fronting for the deep state.  Hint:  the guy with orange shoe polish on his face.

DOJ to Bribe Maxwell to Absolve Trump

 She will get a position in the White House as advisor on teenage affairs.

Trump to Bring Back the N-word

 MAGA is ecstatic!  Trump will try it out in the next State of the Union address.

Trump Wants to Bomb Indian Reservations

 After the Washington football team changes its name back to Redskins.

Trump to Send Musk to Russian Gulag

 Musk will share a cell with Rosie O'Donnell.  

Trump Diagnosed with Venus Fly Trap

 When you get old, flies exit the body.  The Pat's bog office building is swarming with flies.  It can't be helped.  Pray that they are not hatching in the brain.

Epstein Alive at Mar-A-Lago

 He is in the basement being whipped by a MAGA dominatrix.  It hurts.  It's not fun.  He's bleeding!

Trump to Have a replica of Arnold Palmer's big D..k in the Sculpture Garden

 I hope there is enough room.  If they direct it in the right direction, there should be enough room on the White House grounds so they won't have to adjust the scale.