Hairy Irishman

Charles Dickens leased a house then had it remodeled. When the work was complete, he would write Bleak House. He made this observation during the remodel.

"Yesterday week, I saw a hairy Irishman cultivating mortar with spade-husbandry in the room I am to write in!"

I have often been the hairy Irishman in rooms practicing some form of husbandry while the client hung around with curiosity -- "that's what they do" -- or with the satisfaction of having one's property attended to as an extension of one self.

Unfortunately, no client has ever been great at anything -- least of all empathy for other human beings. They've just made or inherited money.

Hairy Irishmen who have worked for celebrities always come to the same conclusion --"asshole." A famous a journalist, a leftist, was such an asshole that his contractor had to punch him to bring him to his senses or just knock him down.

A Miracle

By the end of the week, I knew Seamus was different, but I didn't know how different until I sent him to the paint store for thinner.

"No need," he said. He took a bucket and filled it with water. It was lunch time so I didn't say anything. I let him put the bucket into a room and close the door.

At lunch he said he was going back to Ireland soon to become a priest. It's not often that a painter announces his decision to enter the priesthood at lunch. We cleaned up our language after that.

After lunch he handed me the bucket. It was now full of thinner. We took him out for drinks to celebrate his priesthood and I to celebrate his miracle. I tried it several times, but couldn't get thinner from water.

Later I heard that Seamus had gone to India and was living in the mountains above Rishikesh. He had not become a priest. He was studying with an Indian Guru. Let's hope he doesn't turn the Ganges into paint thinner.

Celebrity Compactor

There are too many celebrities. I have in mind the development of a compactor, like garbage compactors, that will merge, by force, celebrities. This merging should be done with some thought, although the compacting/merging criteria needs some input from medical ethicists.

(Imagine compacting two medical ethicists. What tie would prevail--bow or conventional or possibly a string tie like Colonel Sanders)

My first compaction would be Lindsay Lohan and Kate Gosselin. I admit, I haven't given much thought to the new celebrity as an outcome of such a compaction. I just think it is important that compaction get underway. It is in a sense, a second or third front of environmentalism and energy conservation.

Yes, I do believe that the world is overpopulated and that there is a human redundancy, most glaring in the category of the celebrity. But we could move on to politicians, billionaires, slum dwellers, etc. Compacting would not involve abortion or the distribution of condoms -- the bugaboos of conservatives.

Imagine Jimmy Swaggart and Oral Roberts compacted. Or to be fair, our President and Vice President.

Cop Killer

The man talks with animation about his holster. The holster is designed to prevent the gun user from shooting himself in the foot, even if he quickly draws his weapon in an emergency.

The man is slight, fastidious in a messaged T-shirt. He has a thinly cut mustache and clearly fusses over his hair. We are all standing near the roller coaster at an amusement park. He is talking to a large woman who is a good listener. As the cars race by overhead, he regrets not having been in the donut shop in Washington where the cops were shot by the violent felon. He would, he says, have had no hesitation in drawing his gun and shooting the felon, which would have saved the lives of the cops.

Should we hope that this citizen gets his chance to shoot a violent felon?

Koran Burning

Instead of not burning the Koran, let's burn all religious texts to ritualistically rid ourselves of violent clinging to belief. The burning would take place monthly for however long it takes for there to be a collective release from violent belief and action in all forms.

Some religions have a surplus of religious texts -- billions. Other religions have fewer copies. Have you ever seen the Buddhist Samytta Nikaya in a motel room drawer?
Religions with fewer texts would be allowed to use effigies.