Trump to Bomb Iran with Dirty Diapers

 He's going to use Mitch McConnell's diapers.  He should ask permission.

Waist Deep in Oil -- The Deepist Oil Deal in History

 It will be messy and no more golf.  Could build dykes around Trump's golf courses.

Trump Asks Supreme Court to Change His Diapers

 Which judge would do it?

A One-armed Man Vandalized the Reflecting Pool

 He was determined despite his handicap.

Hegseth can count pushups

 But not missiles.  It happens to everyone.  Hegseth ruined the reflecting pond.

"Unifying yet Viscious"

 Crawling on the floor with a full diaper, biting ankles.

Trump to Bomb Reflecting Pool

 The pool is rigged.

Soldiers Die in Endless Wars

 Please tell that to Trump.  It's not golf.

Hegseth to Measure Soldier's for Penis Size

 They have to be bigger than the President.  Can't go to war with a small penis!

New AI Jobs!

 Spraying tear gas on the rioting unemployed.

Natile Harp Changes Trump's Diapers Late at Night

 He loses it while posting.  It's a sweet scene.

Reflecting Pond is Septic Tank for White House

 It's not that bad and no one is complaining about the smell.

Epstein Corpse in Lincoln Bedroom!

 Look under the bed. He's wired and pickled in some singularity project.  Underage girls are brought to the bedroom daily.  It's a scandal!

Senators Found Dead in Reflecting Pool

 More later.

22 Specialists Look at Trump's Brain

 Not all agree it's a brain.  Those in bio-hazard gear believe it is an alien substance sent to destroy the Earth.

The Pat's Bog team does not believe the brain is a biohazard needing incineration upon death.  This is a rumor from White House staff. Firing is needed.

Trump Meditates

 He is not sleeping. His mind is busy, though.

Trump Will Confess to Epstein Crimes

to distract from the war so he can play more golf and assure his Evangelical buddies that he believes in God.  They are worried that they've become historical idiots.  Can idiots go to heaven?  Probably.

Trump to Hide Epstein Files in New Ballroom

 And all the classified docs he can steal.

Evangelicals: Please go to Heaven Immediately

 and take Trump with you.  You all can have a rally and chant "lock her up."  Forever!  Think about it.  For ever!  Never ending!  Take the hidden Epstein files with you and root for Trump!  Forever!

Trump to Appoint Big Foot as FBI Director

 Good choice.  He drinks beer in the woods.