T.S Eliot "Professional Golfer"

By mid century Mr. Eliot will be remembered as a 1950's golf pro. He will be remembered for having a good short game and excellent putting. He will be forgotten as a poet. All record of his poetry and criticism will have disappeared.

Peckerwood Conference 2012: "Rapture Security"

The Peckerwood Conference 2012 is in the planning stages. Our sources say that Alaska (epicenter of the Rapture!) is the first choice of the Grand Peckerwood council. One of the main topics is providing security for the Saints during the Rapture. The master plan is for teams of Security Ops to remove sinners, sleepers, liberals and moles from piggy backing or bare backing onto saints "for the ascent."

At the conference the Grand Imperial Wizard Peckerwood will demonstrate his legendary prowess, despite his advanced age, by penetrating 3/4 inch AC plywood with his imperial beak. Joining the Imperial Peckerwood (PW) will be the Grand Duke PW who will give a PowerPoint presentation on Rapture hot spots around the world. PW agents are now taking residence in Rapture-Centric countries where they are setting up PW training camps.

Lord Duke and Grand Earl PW will lead a panel on counter insurgency below five thousand feet. It is believed that the first ascending mile will be at a pace that allows for the conversion from an earthly body to a heavenly body -- a time of great vulnerabliity for the saint. It is during this ascent that PW ops are needed to provide security.

Computer models of velocity and saint range (per square mile) are in the developmental stages.

National Review Beheads Trappist Monks

We just learn that terrorists have captured Trappist Monks and after a short time the monks are beheaded. Then the commentary stops and it is time to read from the sponsor in what would traditionally be a new paragraph. Instead, there is block of print in a different font. The title is, The Death of Wal-Mart

Surely someone at National Review values Christianity more than the Free Market. Certainly, no one at NR shops at Wal-Mart.

Newt Gringrich Damned to Eternal Hell!

Not so fast. Newt will cut a deal with the Satan. In secret negotiations Newt will (for both an unnamed asset and future considerations) work as a consultant for Satan when he returns to Earth in 2014 to announce his Candidacy for President.

What the public will not know is that Newt will acquire considerable debt to a "foreign power." By doing so, Newt will compromise his integrity and his allegiance to our country. What will be the agenda of his debt-based foreign policy?

Finally and most painfully and as any cynic would have already guessed, Newt will have several affairs in hell, one leading to marriage. Will he bring that wife back to earth? Children may be involved, but as on earth, children in hell do not really matter.