Jenifer Aniston's Hair and the Rapture

This blog has learned that Reverend Camping, a begrudging Jenifer Aniston fan, believes that Ms. Aniston's recent hair color change altered the course of the Rapture. The Reverend is too embarrassed to admit his obsession with her hair or the fact that most of the Rapture-ready Christians are very conversant in pop culture, in other words, too much of this world.

It is to Reverend Camping's enduring horror that the Rapture has been delayed a thousand years or cancelled entirely.

Rapture "Personal Stories"

We are going to begin a series of personal Rapture accounts in this blog. We are giving a call for stories. We especially want to hear from India, East Africa and South American countries who harbored Nazis.

It just so happens that I have been in a number of Raptures. I don't feel like I should take up this valuable space with my stories though. I will say that a Rapture is more challenging than one might imagine. Obviously, there was a return ticket.

Among the challenges is sun burn, chaffing from velocity, disorientation, white noise sickness and fighting off frost bite on the sunless orbits. I started off with hopes of another life and ended with the relief that I still had the one I started with.

End of the World Potties --- Rapture Scat

A line of disposable potties for Rapture participants has been cancelled due to production problems in the factories in Bangladesh. The potty design allowed the Rapture participant to sit on the potty while awaiting the Rapture. It is believed that the participants will void their bowels at the moment of takeoff.

Adult diapers are considered a suitable replacement. Several teams of scientists are ready to examine Rapture scat.

Doomsday May 21, 2011 "Be There Now"

Those of us who will boycott the Rapture on principle or out of ignorance will be left behind -- we'll be here on the 22nd looting the businesses and homes of the departed. No, actually, we will truly wonder with horror and dread what has happened and what that means for us.

If, however, there is no Rapture and on the 22nd Wal-Mart is full of Christians buying groceries, it is ethically incumbent on these Christians to renounce their faith and longing for an end to it all in the strongest possible terms. Anything less would be an unfortunate mix of cowardice and mental illness!

End of the World, May 21, 2011 "It's a stone cold lock!"

May 21st is International Paint Roller Cover Day. The roller cover featured will be the wool cover -- Mohair. This blog recommends painting the shabbiest room in your house. Wool roller covers are easier to clean than conventional roller covers.

Then go out and buy a house painter a drink. They are easy to find. Try a bar.

If the world should end while you are painting your rumpus room, don't worry about it. quickly put the roller in a garbage bag with some water in it and bon voyage!

Osama bin Laden Home Videos

When the videos are released There will be a video that will show that Bin Laden has adopted an endangered penguin. This video is extremely dangerous. It was planted to initiate a terrorist action.

The CIA is a friend of this blog so hopefully they will not release the video.

Geronimo EKIA "the truth"

They were going to call it Get the M.....f...... N..... After some consideration, focus group responses and a phone call to Dr. Skip Gates, they decided against using it. Next, they worked with Geronimo IKEA, but realized that Osama Bin Laden might not have IKEA interiors. So in a hurry they settled on the now historic name for the mission.

Next time use something like, Get the Bad Guy. It's easy to understand.