Occupy Oakland

Billionaires will march on Washington. They should march on Washington. The government should provide security. Their cause is just. Wave as they walk by. A working list of demands are the following:

1. More tax breaks

2. More deductions for their tax lawyers, sleeping regulators, lapdog congressmen and billionaire wannabees -- multimillionaires.

3. Compensation for using the airports, harbors, interstate transportation systems, railroads and general infrastructure of the country. They could take their business overseas.

4. Compensation for taking their business overseas.

5 Continued military support for foreign investments.

6. Subsidies for Conservative think tanks.

7. Tax breaks for hiring smart young talent to find new ways to skim money from the countries assets.

8. Make it a punishable offense to stare at a billionaire or his children.

9. Deed over major national parks for summer billionaire resorts.

10. Government funded self-esteem programs for billionaires.
11. National Billionaire appreciation day.

This is a partial accounting of a much longer list. The general agreement among those on the Billionaire March committee was to limited the list to ten. The content has been paraphrased and leaked by sources unaffiliated with WikiLeaks.

U.S Dumping Criminals at Border's Books

In a cost cutting measure, the U.S. has begun dumping criminals at Border's Books. The company's bankruptcy has left the stores empty, many with reading material and working toilets. The stores were situated in malls, so feeding the criminals inexpensive and the much appreciated food contributes the to low-cost and friendly warehousing of criminals.

The criminals wear bracelets that work with the stores old security system. So if an escape is attempted, the security panels sound off at the doors. So far mall security has been up to the task of keeping order in the facilities.

Harold Camping

Mr. Camping's walker told him that a pair of Mitt Romney's underwear was once worn by Satan to a Gentleman's club in Dallas. Many football players were hooting it
up. Satan was not able to plan for the Rapture in such a boisterous environment. Satan chose Dallas because the ration of strip clubs to churches was one to one.

Rupture Puppet, Rupert Puppy

Evangelicals Call for Toilets on Mt. Everest

Why do they want toilets on Mt. Everest? Are they going to climb to pass out tracts and witness? This just doesn't make any sense. When have they become stewards of the natural world, especially an Asian -- Buddhist Hindu -- mountain?

Gilad Shalil goes to Disneyland

The exchange of prisoners between the Israelis and Palestinians is a welcome exchange. The disproportionally, though, is wrong. How can 1000 lives be worth the life of one? What does that say about both sides?

Iran Sentences Hank Williams to 90 Lashes

Iran will try and extradite Hank Williams Jr. Legal experts believe they will have great difficulty with the extradition. Iran may offer to end their nuclear program in exchange for the reactionary singer.

Yahoo's Weezer

Yahoo ran two headlines for a story on the death of Mikey Welsh. In the first, Mikey Welsh is the former Weezer bassist. In the second, Mikey Welsh is the ex Weezer bassist. Apparently, the Yahoo editorial staff had an internal debate over the propriety and semantics of using either "former" or "ex". The solution was to publish both headlines. Virtual pages are apparently cheap.

Now we have a very comprehensive understanding that Mr. Welsh is both dead and did at one time play the drums for a band called Weezer. He may or may not have left the band on good terms or left on good terms with some of the band members and on bad terms with others.

Drone Strikes in America!

At lunch we were posing the following questions with appropriate speculative answers -- house painters at their best.

When will the CIA bomb its own citizens on American soil?

When will the NRA claim second amendment rights to own a drone for deer hunting and self defense?

Please send your ideas.