Newt Gringrich Pins His Ears Back

With his ears pinned back, Mr. Gringrich begins thinking thoughts that have not been thought before. He slowly narrows his thinking bandwidth to useful thoughts, media friendly thoughts, thoughts that will save the planet. He thinks of new side deals and his net worth by the end of his second term as president. He watches his bank account grow, shooting upward like a rocket. He will write a monographs on Donald Trump's Billionaire Anxiety and a Green Grand Ole Opry. He hears choirs of angels singing his ideas, celestial bands providing ambient music for his return to earthly consciousness. The steel bands that bind his ears melt. He is done. His handlers towel him off.

Rick Santorum and Head Lice

Rick Santorum claims that the CIA is giving NATO leaders head lice. The CIA, which usually doesn't comment on operations, vehemently denied the head lice allegation.

Kmart Kardashian

Ms. Kmart Kardashian died recently while trying to close a large box. She fell into the box and was unable to get out. Tragically, she tried to eat her way through the box wall, but was unable to do so. Ironically, the box was a shipping container that had been used to import Curry powder from South Asia.

Ms Kardashian left a long note on the inside of the box. The text has not been made public, but is believed to have brought comfort to the family.

The extended Kardashian family has had a very difficult time in recent years. Many family members have died in untimely and unusual ways. This blog hopes that the next year will bring health and safety to the Kardashian family.

Angelina Abdul

This blog has learned that Ms. Angelina Abdul is in the process of adopting several of the Duggar children. The exact number of children -- inventory is in progress -- is not yet known. The terms and any financial arrangements have not been disclosed at this time.

Ms. Abdul and her husband Simon Pitt were seen at a McDonalds outside Tonitown Arkansas. They fled the restaurant when a local TV station arrived with a news crew.

God and Tim Tebow (Aporia in Peoria)

Unfortunately, God is using up -- like a dying star -- all his energy helping Tim Tebow win. The victories are at the expense, mind you, of other Christian athletes who are not as loved as Tebow.

God's hair is falling out, his beard is ashen and dissolving, his skin is shrinking and internal organs are detaching. The God brain is flying off in small particles. All to get Tebow to the playoffs. I'd say Tim Tebow is selfish. The sick and lame could be healed, our army could kill millions of terrorists, but God's last energy is being used to get the Broncos into the playoffs. Is this right?

Iran (Semiotics free)

Iran, Please give us back our hang glider. You don't know how to use it. Pretty please. We'll trade one agent for the glider. We'll trade the Kardashian family for the glider. If you have any decency, please return the glider to the Turkish border, right under the statue of Ataturk. Thanks for your consideration.

(Facsimile of cable intercepted by Wiki leaks.)

Yahoo News Wants to Know

Yahoo News wants to know how unemployment is effecting your family. They want to know because they (geekworld) are overpaid and they have no idea how ordinary people live. I think if they sat down at a table, unplugged everything and brainstormed they could come up with problems families might have if they have no money.

Work at it Yahoo. Remember critical thinking from your elementary school years? OK. If you need to, Yahooup poverty, credit card debt, no medical insurance, etc.
Then go back to the unplugged room and keep brainstorming. Hire models to pose as a despairing family in a shabby kitchen and you've got a publishable piece. Remember, we don't all look like models.