Deadly Shooting Spree (Generic or NRA Approved)

Wayne LaPierre stands in front of his map of the US.  He inserts pushpins at the location of the latest gun violence.  He knows that the guns are not the problem, people -- evil people -- are the problem. After several hours of pin work, Mr. LaPierre takes one of his assault weapons down from the rack and begins to break it down, oil it.  He sips a Bud Lite.  He thanks the Lord for the good work he has been called to do.

The Association has lobbied Mr. LaPierre to use a more up-to-date means of recording gun violence, but Mr. LaPierre is old school.  Guns are used with human hands, to the recording will be manual as well.  Mr. La Pierre has agreed to have an assistant on days when there is significant slaughter.  Several students from a local Bible College have been put on retainer.  They carry concealed weapons to help protect Mr. LaPierre from his legions of armed adversaries.

Wayne Lapierre's kind of Cattle Drive

103 killed in Sudaneese cattle drive.  If only Wayne was there just blasting away. More deaths or fewer deaths or dead cows, goats, chickens or armed security guards or even  Ann Coulter lip-syncing...how is this not a good thing, a ethical example of cattle drives?!

Outraged Talaban

Guys, this is what we do in the West.  This is our idea of ethics and perception of what is right.  You guys cut off heads, throw acid in women's faces and blow up busses.  We use our thumbs on instruments to bomb you.  Like playing games.

Manti Te'o Died

I played all his games the last two season.  I'll prove it too -- very soon.

Rand Paul Swims in the Dead Sea

Paul Rand
Randy Paul
Paul Randy is Dead
See Dead Paul
Salty Paul is Randy
Ian Randy smoked seaweed
Ian Paul Randy Krauthammer
Charles Krauthammer had a picnic with Governor Huckabee on the shores of the dead sea
Governor Huckabee Rand Paul waded into the sea with a peanut butter and Jelly sandwich in his hand

Lance Armstrong Weeping

Armstrong will begin his confessional phase.  He will write a best seller about overcoming adversity, honesty and virtue.  He will write a cookbook, sex manual, fitness book, children's story, movie about himself shooting up in France an so on.  He will make millions.  He will start a foundation for rehabbing millionaire cheaters and liars.

AIG Building

Evacuate the building. Dismantle it.  Pile the pieces on the estates of the Board of Directors, CEO, major stock holders, lobbyists and bevy of lawyers.  This is what we do to greedy, entitled whiny bastards.