609-612 Plastic Garbage and the Rapture

It is now believed that plastic garbage will impede the Rapture.  Rapturees will face the daunting journey through billions of tons of plastic detritus.  Some say this mess is the reason for the delay or even the calling off of the Rapture which would be analogous to not inviting messy and vulgar relatives over for dinner.

613-614 Billion Dollar Rapture Bracket

The bracket has several branches.  The most prominent branch and the largest is dedicated to who will rise during the Rapture.  The Mormons have declined use of their computers.  Everybody for their friends and family.

Another bracket is dedicated predicting the year.  Some feel that this casts the end times in a negative light.  After all, it has been two thousand years and everyone is dug in and consuming like there's no tomorrow -- or Rapture.

615 Rapture App

A Rapture App is in development.  It will help locate the best areas for departure as well as planning for the last days, no really, the last days. The real last days.

616 Pistorioius Vomits at Discription of Rapture

He knews he's not going so he pukes.  That's not being a good sport, a team player.

617 Republican Rape and the Love of the Rapture

Many older Republicans believe that the Rapture will be a Free Rape Zone, much like an invading army.  Some even believe that Heaven will be an eternal gang-bang.  Not all religious share their views.  We welcome responses from theologians from Oral Roberts University.

618 Kardashian Buttock Sweling

One Kardashian buttock is swelling and threatening the block the Rapture for an indefinite amount of time, at least as long as we've been waiting -- 2000 years.  A missile is being assembled in the back country of a Southern state.  The missile is designed to puncture the buttock and release the route the Rapture will follow if it has not fallen victim to entropy.  Entropy is not Biblical but if one waits long enough it wins.

This deflated buttocks could cause mass death.

619 Kardashian Body Blocking Rapture Egress

This is the latest report from Rapture Central, delayed until after the Olympic closing ceremonies.  Rapture scientists believed that pressure will build from below and the congealed mass will break away with an enormous upward propulsion.  The Raptureload may overshoot its target.