Tebow Kardashian

On Wednesday, Nov 30, Tebow Kardashian fell from scaffolding and was pronounced dead at the scene. Mr. Kardashian had been gold leafing a minaret on a Victorian house in San Francisco's Sunset District.

Mr. Kardashian was called Mr. Sunset because he claimed to have painted more Sunset District Victorians than any house painter in the city's history. Mr. Kardashian was known as an outgoing and generous man. He often held forth from scaffolding engaging the local citizenry with his long and finely crafted stories about statecraft and Free Masons.

Mr. Kardashian was a history buff. He spent his evenings watching history channels and working on his own history of paint stores in San Francisco.

Pepper Spray -- Give it for Christmas (OULIPO)

The use of pepper spray is a step toward a less violent society. Money spent on gun shot wounds and incarceration can be redirected upwards in the form of tax breaks for the rich, which, of course, will solve all problems.

I'm advocating the use of pepper spray as a substitute for gun play -- even rubber bullets. The psychopath can enter a McDonalds with a backpack full of pepper spray canisters and wreak havoc. The NRA will be happy or at least bemused. Their teaching koan of "Guns don't kill people, people do" would be devalued, but they couldn't lobby for more killing and maiming, less crying and gasping.

An entirely organic and biodegradable spray is possible, soon and not in the misty future like alternative energy sources. With a variety of spray strengths there will be a canister for every occasion. Milder sprays can be used in public school, although spanking advocates will claim that spraying is not found in the Bible.

Now that Christmas is upon us, pepper spray should be given as presents to loved ones instead of perfume or after shave. Go ahead, spray your family around the tree.

Tim Tebow Cures Cancer!

While Tim Tebow is the public face for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit's will to win football games, significant research is being done away from the gridiron. This blog has learned that there are at least two programs underway from unlikely institutions. Scientists are using Mr Tebow's DNA -- in the form of sweaty shirts, socks and underwear -- in a variety of experiments.

The military is dropping bomblets on suspected terrorist enclaves. The explosions disperse Tebow DNA -- shredded undergarments -- in an attempt at pacification. There is internal debate about the boundaries of science and religion, but the program UD -- undergarment dispersal -- is underway and part of the exit strategy from the Middle East.

At least one elite university is testing Tebow undergarments for their curative properties. The undergarments have been added to an array of faith objects (saintly bones, religious text fragments, plant life, etc.) that are presented in various ways to a variety of patients.

Mr. Tebow has participated in this program and until the publication the program has remain out of public scrutiny.

Five Comatose Flarf Poets Found at Occupy Wall Street

During the raid on Occupy Wall Street, five Flarf poets were found comatose in a three-man tent. Authorities have refused to comment on the condition or whereabouts of the comatose poets. A woman, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said she believed that the poets had been meditating or reading each others poems aloud. The activity lasted all evening and through the night until the police arrived to end the occupation.

Jerry Sandusky and Kim Kardashian Marry

Thought experiment:

We came to the tortured conclusion yesterday around the paint bucket that Kim Kardashian will marry Jerry Sandusky within the next five years. Mr. Sandusky will be exonerated and Ms. Kardashian's tastes will shift to older men, specifically coaches.

While there is an unlimited pool of older coaches and commentators, Sandusky represents a publicity bonanza and a person in need of healing and a reality show. It is a story of such proportions that the Kardashian Brain Trust, a wing of the American Enterprise Institute, is working on it around the clock.


This is hypothetical and does need designed fortuity, a corollary of intelligent design. Not everyone was in agreement with this.

National Review Online Boners -- Cain

A male columnist is giving Gloria Allred a good going over -- harassment-- and we get to the mid column adds: Prudential Can Help and Koch Associate Program. I know its Coke or coach, but with Jerry Sandusky in the locker room I'm carrying a baseball bat. Prudential? Who exactly should exercise prudence? The women or their male superiors?

Now Cain is running an add saying the left is out to get Cain. First it was the Perry campaign, now the left. What next Joe Stalin?

Arnold Schwarzenegger -- Penn State President

This blog has learned that Arnold Schwarzenegger is being considered for the Penn State Presidency. The trustees believe that Mr. Schwarzenegger's reputation, while somewhat tarnished, has the toughness needed to rout beefy football coach pedophiles out of the locker room. The trustees also believe that Penn State community will be able to transfer its delusional regard for the saintly coach to Mr. Schwarzenegger the super hero and enemy of evil.

Harold Camping Visits Occupy Oakland

Last night Harold Camping made a visit to the site of Occupy Oakland. With the aid of a walker, Mr. Camping moved through the encampments and talked with protesters. Mr. Camping was on a fact finding mission. He admitted freely to having been wrong on Rapture dates.

Several protesters reported that Mr. Camping is a very likable man who had surprising sympathy for their criticism of Wall Street and corporations. Mr. Camping did not make it a secret that he was recalibrating his Rapture dates using the input of those in opposition.

Texas Judge (Occupy the Alamo!)

That's Texas, isn't it? I'd say -- with support from my colleagues -- that we should give the judge some appreciation -- he didn't give his daughter a lethal injection! I got scripture on it!

Harold Camping -- Hedge Fund

Harold Camping is in the exploratory stages of organizing a hedge fund. Mr. Camping will utilize his expertise in future events ranging from the social, political and spiritual. The Camping Group considers this expertise vital for the troubled investor. It brings branding -- the Camping Brand --to the often mysterious and shady world of big money.