Hedge Fund Manager Revives

The hedge fund manager reported choked to death in this blog revived in the mortuary and immediately made a call to make a sell as part of an inside deal. The earnings were of such significance that he will not seek damages from the NYPD.

Hedge Fund Manager Choked to Death In New York

A prominent hedge fund manager was choked to death while smoking a Cuban "illegal" cigar in downtown Manhattan.  He complained about a shortness of breath before expiring.

ESPN to Subcontract Guantanamo

ESPN is in talks to run the Guantanamo facility as a laboratory to test content for the Middle East.  They will maintain the harsh treatment of high value goatherds the CIA has rounded up from the pastures of Afghanistan.

Much of the information in this post was provided by unreliable sources.

ESPN Slave Trafficking

Somebody who knows told me this.  I can't verify the charge, but they have agents around the world.  They also move a lot of equipment.  I would say that I believe this to be malicious and false and will take it down from this site before lunch.

ESPN Waterboards Employees

They do.  They have black ops facilities on both coasts where employees who violate company policy about free speech are taken for rehabilitation.

The Rapture has been delayed again.  Have fun someone is working on it.

Warren Bufffet Buys some Frozen Yogart

I believe I will have to give up on the Rapture as a subject.  It's just not happening.  I was subject to an intervention by a group of Christopher Hitchens's disciples.  In the back of my mind I know that the Rapture will happen, even if insects are called into the sky.

Feuding Afghan Candidates Attend George Cloony's Wedding

I have this on good sources.  Pretty Good.

554 An Urgent Appeal Concerning the Rapture

Barrett W. is a frequent contributor to this blog.  In private correspondence he has urged those interested to refrain from tweeting during the Rapture.  I will provide a link to a paper he is writing on this subject.

555-580 I'll tweet about the Rapture

Blogging about the Rapture is tedious.  No one really cares.  Its slow like the arrival of the Rapture itself.  So I will henceforth tweet and only occasionally blog.  Thanks for your support.

580-599 I'm too lazy for the Rapture

HOw many people are too lazy for the rapture?  You know who you are.  I'm too lazy to scold you.  I'm going fishing.

599-605 I Wish I'd Just Paid Her

This is an unmistakable sign of the Rapture.  The countdown is roughly at about 600 days, not years wiseguys. Take heed.

605-607 Rush Limbaugh Slams Rapture

Rush Limbaugh claims that too many liberals want to be part of the Rapture and spread their liberal agenda.  He believes that after two thousand years of conservative preparation liberals will undo Rapture values.

 This blog suggests an exclusionary worldwide prayer fest that would create a just Apartheid Rapture.  If the Rapture is a country club then there are other clubs in town.  Liberals play golf somewhere else  -- with your help.

607-608 Shocking Spanish Video

This video has been banned from the Rapture.  Their will be no inflight entertainment which should eliminate hangers-on.  There will be no electronic devices in Heaven;  they're all in H---.

609-612 Plastic Garbage and the Rapture

It is now believed that plastic garbage will impede the Rapture.  Rapturees will face the daunting journey through billions of tons of plastic detritus.  Some say this mess is the reason for the delay or even the calling off of the Rapture which would be analogous to not inviting messy and vulgar relatives over for dinner.

613-614 Billion Dollar Rapture Bracket

The bracket has several branches.  The most prominent branch and the largest is dedicated to who will rise during the Rapture.  The Mormons have declined use of their computers.  Everybody for their friends and family.

Another bracket is dedicated predicting the year.  Some feel that this casts the end times in a negative light.  After all, it has been two thousand years and everyone is dug in and consuming like there's no tomorrow -- or Rapture.

615 Rapture App

A Rapture App is in development.  It will help locate the best areas for departure as well as planning for the last days, no really, the last days. The real last days.

616 Pistorioius Vomits at Discription of Rapture

He knews he's not going so he pukes.  That's not being a good sport, a team player.

617 Republican Rape and the Love of the Rapture

Many older Republicans believe that the Rapture will be a Free Rape Zone, much like an invading army.  Some even believe that Heaven will be an eternal gang-bang.  Not all religious share their views.  We welcome responses from theologians from Oral Roberts University.

618 Kardashian Buttock Sweling

One Kardashian buttock is swelling and threatening the block the Rapture for an indefinite amount of time, at least as long as we've been waiting -- 2000 years.  A missile is being assembled in the back country of a Southern state.  The missile is designed to puncture the buttock and release the route the Rapture will follow if it has not fallen victim to entropy.  Entropy is not Biblical but if one waits long enough it wins.

This deflated buttocks could cause mass death.

619 Kardashian Body Blocking Rapture Egress

This is the latest report from Rapture Central, delayed until after the Olympic closing ceremonies.  Rapture scientists believed that pressure will build from below and the congealed mass will break away with an enormous upward propulsion.  The Raptureload may overshoot its target.

620 Pink Eye in Rapture

Pink eye is spreading throughout the Rapture.  Most Rapturians wont know where they are going. 
Yes, the Rapture has begun.  If you see people jerking upward like marionettes they are early entrants in the Rapture.

622-621 Matt Lauer Will Leave for the Rapture Early

I'm only reporting what my sources bring to me.  I cannot vouch for them.  A simulacrum make replace Mr. Lauer on the news.  Look for a stiff upper lip.

623 The Real Housewives of the Rapture

I like the idea.  There's not much of a plot. The morality leading up to the Rapture is boring and the special effects of the Rapture will get boring after a few episodes.

624 Texas! Wake Up!

Iran is executing more people than you are.  Get with it.

625-627 Cher's Mother Skills

Yes, Cher's mothering skills will be revealed shortly after the Rapture.  How's your baby bump?

The misspelling of Justin in a previous post was the work of the Bieber camp hacking into this blog.

628 Jistin Bieber is Anti Christ

When JB grows pubic hair the Rapture will begin.  A trillion rats will scour the earth for sustenance.

628-630 Creepy Ghost Ship

The Rapture rats are breeding on the ghost ship. They will scurry around on earth trying to grab hold of those beginning flight.  I know, it's an upsetting visual, but it can't be all peaches and cream.

629 Stand Your Ground Rapture -- George Zimmerman Paints

Mr. Zimmerman is painting a series of Rapture pictures with bold colors.  This is definitely investment art. Get your checkbooks ready.

No one has seen the paintings yet.  One wonders if there are figures in the sky ascending with pistols in their hands to eliminate the criminal element.  It's a Stand Your Ground Rapture.

630 Ann Coulter Bobble Heads cont.

Friends of the blog who will no longer go on line for fear of government spying are in agreement that millions of flying Ann Coulter heads with elongated neck would be the perfect precursor to an apocalyptic event.  Biblical plagues come to mind.  All of this suggests climate change which is anathema to the very people who believe in a final and drastic climate change but this is for a time after the implementation of common core standards. 

The bobble heads will all be flying around the sanctuary state of Kansas.

631 Ann Coulter Bobble Heads

When there is a gathering of Ann Coulter Bobble Heads in the air and sky you will know that there will soon be an upward rush through the hole in the Ozone and the Rapture will begin, that is if she remains chaste until then.

632 Rapture Countdown Suspended

Everything stops for football -- not only the NFL.  The SEC has delayed the rapture.  Some even think the SEC has put an end to the Rapture.  This is an extreme view and those who have it are not willing to stand behind it.  So enjoy the games, worry about final things tomorrow.

633 Rapture and the Hole in the Ozone

It can now be revealed that the hole in the ozone is for the Rapture.  When the size of the hole meets Rapture specifications, the Rapture Vacuum will suck all the worthy into outer space on their voyage to Paradise.  This is not to be missed.  It's duration is measureless.  Eat before takeoff.

634 Westboro Baptists Protests Rapture

They will protest the Rapture; mark my words. 

635 Cheerleaders go first

Originally, the Rapture countdown started when a cheer leader refused to wear 666.  She was from the South so we know that she knows whether she knows or not.  Of course, it could be yet another false start adding to the many false starts over the last two thousand years. Don't give up hope, shop, watch TV go to church.  Keep counting.

636 I still look good in a bikini

We have to take a stand on bikinis.  There's plenty of time to get in shape.

637 O.J. Simpson and the Rapture

Now it is believe in many Rapture Circles that the rapture will begin the day of O.J. Simpson's death.

638-643

My computer was down.  It's hard to believe in the Rapture when your computer goes down.  But now that its back up and I have almost two years to get excited again, two years to shop and watch football, then off we go to..that bothers me too.